Relationship problems

If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men.
Romans 12:18 · WEB

Most of this is workable. Some of it is not a communication problem, and that matters more.

Find support near me What can I do right now?

If you're feeling this

Something has gone wrong between you and someone who matters — a marriage, a parent, an adult child, a friendship of twenty years.

Most relationship trouble is workable. Two people who both want it to work, and are both willing to change something, can get a very long way, especially with help.

But one thing has to be said before any of the rest. If your partner frightens you, controls your money or your movements, isolates you, or has hurt you — that is not a communication problem, and couples counselling is the wrong tool and can make it more dangerous. Skip to the safety resources.

Scripture

Scripture for this moment

Open the one that matches where you are. You don't have to read them all.

When conversations turn into fights
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1 · WEB

A soft answer turns away wrath. Tone is doing more work than content in most arguments. This is one of the few things you control unilaterally.

When you have to say something hard
but speaking truth in love, we may grow up in all things into him, who is the head, Christ;

Ephesians 4:15 · WEB

Speaking truth in love. Both halves are required. Truth without love is an attack; love without truth leaves the thing unaddressed for another decade.

When you both need to change
Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens his friend’s countenance.

Proverbs 27:17 · WEB

Iron sharpens iron. The image involves friction. Relationships that change people are not the frictionless ones.

When you do not know how to start
“If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother.

Matthew 18:15 · WEB

Go and show him his fault between you and him alone. Directly, privately, first. Not to everyone else, and not in front of an audience.

When you need a standard
Love is patient and is kind; love doesn’t envy. Love doesn’t brag, is not proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 · WEB

Usually read at weddings, and more useful in an argument. Read it as a checklist for how you are behaving rather than a description of what you are owed.

Practical

What can I do right now?

Start with the first one. If that's all you manage today, that counts.

  1. Check whether this is safety, not conflict

    If you are afraid of them, being controlled, or being hurt, stop here and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Couples counselling is not appropriate and can increase risk.

  2. Ask for one conversation, at a good time

    Not at 11pm, not mid-argument. "Can we talk on Saturday morning?" gives you both a chance to arrive with something other than adrenaline.

  3. Say the thing under the complaint

    "You never help" is usually "I feel alone in this." The second sentence is harder to say and much harder to argue with.

  4. Listen until you can repeat it back

    Say their point in your own words before you answer. Most arguments are two people repeating themselves louder because neither feels heard.

  5. Own your part specifically

    Not "I'm sorry you felt that way". Name what you did. It costs something, and it is usually what unsticks a conversation.

  6. Get a counsellor before it is critical

    Couples counselling works considerably better before contempt has set in. Going early is not an admission that it is over.

  7. Accept that some of it is not up to you

    If the other person will not engage, you can only control your own conduct, your boundaries, and how you carry it.

Support

You don't have to face this alone

Counselling for relationships works, particularly early. But if there is abuse, the right first call is a hotline rather than a counsellor — and that call is confidential and commits you to nothing.

If you need help right now

Professional support

Church and pastoral support

Community and support groups

These organisations are independent of Boro Collective. We list them because they do this work well, not because we are connected to them.

Community

Find community near you

Faith and practical help are not competing ideas. A church, a counsellor and a support group can all be part of the same week.

Looking for something besides a church?

We don't keep our own directory, so this opens a map search you can scan yourself. We would rather send you somewhere real than list a church we cannot vouch for.

Foundations

Build your foundation

No one of these carries a life on its own. They hold together.

  • Safety

    Nothing else on this list works in a place that is not safe. If you are being hurt or threatened, safety comes before every other step here — including forgiveness.

  • Community

    Not an audience — a handful of people who would notice if you went quiet for a fortnight. Most of us have to build that on purpose.

  • Professional support

    Seeing a counsellor is not a failure of faith any more than seeing a doctor about a broken arm is. Some things need a trained person.

  • Faith

    Honest prayer counts more than eloquent prayer. Scripture read slowly counts more than Scripture read fast. A pastor who knows your name is worth more than any of it.

  • Purpose

    Having something that needs you tomorrow is its own kind of anchor. It does not have to be large.

You are not alone.

Most of this is workable, and it is worth getting help earlier than feels necessary.

And if you are afraid of the person you are trying to fix things with, that is the more important thing. Please make that call first.

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