Forgiveness
And be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.
Forgiveness does not require you to go back, and it never requires you to be unsafe.
If you're feeling this
Scripture
Scripture for this moment
Open the one that matches where you are. You don't have to read them all.
When you have already forgiven them for this
Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Until seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I don’t tell you until seven times, but, until seventy times seven.
Matthew 18:21-22 · WEB
Seventy times seven is about the ongoing nature of it. Forgiveness is often not a single act but a decision repeated as the memory returns. Having to do it again is not failure.
When you do not feel like it
bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any; even as Christ forgave you, so you also do.
Colossians 3:13 · WEB
Framed as something you do, not something you feel. The feeling frequently arrives long after the decision, and sometimes never fully.
When reconciliation is not possible
If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men.
Romans 12:18 · WEB
If it is possible, as much as it is up to you. Two conditions in one verse. Scripture itself allows that peace is sometimes not achievable and that not all of it is yours to control.
When you are asked why it matters
“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don’t forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 6:14-15 · WEB
Serious and worth taking seriously. Read it as being about the state of your own heart rather than as leverage for someone who wants you to drop something.
When it still hurts
He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3 · WEB
He heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds. Forgiving someone does not close the wound instantly. Healing is a separate work and it takes its own time.
Practical
What can I do right now?
Start with the first one. If that's all you manage today, that counts.
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Name exactly what was done
Forgiveness is not minimising. You cannot release a debt you have refused to total up, so be specific about what it cost you.
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Decide it before you feel it
Forgiveness is a decision that the feelings follow, often slowly. Waiting to feel forgiving usually means waiting indefinitely.
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Do not confuse it with restored access
You can forgive someone and still not give them your phone number, your evenings, or time alone with your children.
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Keep the boundary in place
If they have not changed, the boundary is not unforgiveness. It is wisdom, and it protects the possibility of anything better later.
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Do not reconcile with someone still causing harm
Reconciliation requires changed behaviour and, usually, accountability. Without those it is not reconciliation, it is exposure.
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Expect to do it more than once
The memory will come back. Forgiving again is not evidence the first time did not take.
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Get help for the large ones
Abuse, betrayal, the death of someone through another's choices. These are not solved by a decision alone, and a counsellor who works with trauma is the right kind of help.
Support
You don't have to face this alone
If you need help right now
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National Domestic Violence Hotline
Confidential support and safety planning, 24/7. They will not tell you what to do or push you to leave before you are ready.
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National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN)
Free, confidential, 24/7, for anyone affected by sexual violence — recently or a long time ago.
Professional support
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American Association of Christian Counselors
A directory of licensed counsellors who work from a Christian framework, if that matters to you.
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Psychology Today therapist directory
Search counsellors by ZIP code, speciality, insurance and sliding-scale fees. Faith can be filtered as a speciality.
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NAMI HelpLine
Information, referrals and someone to talk it through with. Weekdays — it is not a crisis line, so use 988 if you are in crisis.
- 1-800-950-6264
- Or text NAMI to 62640
- www.nami.org — NAMI HelpLine (opens their website)
Church and pastoral support
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Focus on the Family counselling line
A free one-time phone consultation with a licensed or pastoral counsellor, and a referral onward. Weekdays.
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Celebrate Recovery
A Christ-centred recovery programme hosted by churches, for addiction and for the rest of it too — anger, grief, codependency.
Community and support groups
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211
Dial 211 to reach a person who knows what exists in your county — food, rent help, counselling, shelter, transport.
These organisations are independent of Boro Collective. We list them because they do this work well, not because we are connected to them.
Community
Find community near you
Faith and practical help are not competing ideas. A church, a counsellor and a support group can all be part of the same week.
We don't keep our own directory, so this opens a map search you can scan yourself. We would rather send you somewhere real than list a church we cannot vouch for.
Foundations
Build your foundation
No one of these carries a life on its own. They hold together.
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Faith
Honest prayer counts more than eloquent prayer. Scripture read slowly counts more than Scripture read fast. A pastor who knows your name is worth more than any of it.
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Safety
Nothing else on this list works in a place that is not safe. If you are being hurt or threatened, safety comes before every other step here — including forgiveness.
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Professional support
Seeing a counsellor is not a failure of faith any more than seeing a doctor about a broken arm is. Some things need a trained person.
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Community
Not an audience — a handful of people who would notice if you went quiet for a fortnight. Most of us have to build that on purpose.
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Purpose
Having something that needs you tomorrow is its own kind of anchor. It does not have to be large.